reckoning ourselves

How do we get to a place where we are truly happy with ourselves physically? One step further into this actually begs the question how do we become truly happy.. because I believe that ones physicality has huge impact on how one conducts and carries themselves. I have visited this a couple of times in my writings of exploratory topics-but its one that is as persistent as our quest for food. Its the one that stares directly into the eyes of my obsession with food-and I know that I am not alone in this.

Is this the time to expose my demons- do they have any value to others? I'm not sure- but I'm going to provide an exorcism in any event- you be the judge of its worth. Oh yep-I was another one of those dime a dozen anorexic girls. You've heard the story a million times....I never starved myself entirely- but I had the most rigid of diets- consisting mostly of coffee, apples and bagels. I exercised hard to counteract that whopping 20 grams of fat I'd intake in a day, leaving my body with only the basics of subsistence. My sister God bless her- would watch me as I literally broke down into crying fits at the agony of being presented with a meal out of my "controlled diet" regime. It was sheer torture-the thought of breaking into that controlled situation I had created would take me to the floor writhing. In those times the fear was so strong on my face-I would imagine watching it unfold would be like watching a person that is certifiably schizophrenic start to carry on a conversation with one of their personalities. In those moments the other person watching feels like they are observing a train wreck that they have no idea how to switch the rails on. For some people these issues are brought to surface by the influence of some other event or issue. For me it was just that I really liked how I looked when I was that thin- there were no other issues, aside from the usual American bout of obesity somewhere in your lineage freaking you out that you may become that someday. Once I got into that very extreme reality I had made completely on my own-I did not want to break it. The mere thought of it had me so uncanny-I really should have been in a mental facility. The control of it is mind altering. Some of us are more prone to obsessive and compulsive behavior then others- its in my makeup. Just like some people have other mental hang-ups.

So the issue here is how as adults when we know better-how do we reckon with ourselves? Now one huge caveat- I do not hold the answers not even close, nor am I really probably the best person to even speak to the issue- because I wrestle with this everyday. But that's exactly the point. Food issues are body issues. If you have these hangups they are with you FOREVER. There is no such thing as careless eating. Every item you consume is filed in a catalogue ready

for you to analyze and scrutinize later- and maybe even hold against yourself. So the key I believe is getting to a point where we can see food as nourishment, fuel, and something to

enjoy with revelry. Just like gun handlers have the deepest respect for their arms, we must also respect food in the same way. It is gorgeous, it is to be enjoyed, and it can not be denied what the scary reality is on the other side of the barrel. Its the avoidance of its power that causes the greatest harm. Get familiar with food- love it. Love yourself. Take care of you-don't deny yourself anything. When we see food as the enemy- we think we have to limit our exposure to it- which in turn only creates a hatred for the thing that in essence is supposed to provide nourishment at the most basic of levels. And then there starts the pendulum of ups and downs-love, hate, love, hate. When this respect is in tact- the ups and downs start to ebb away. Your mind starts to realize that nothing is off limits-and therefore the need to over compensate when posed with something normally considered taboo becomes less.

Some people I do believe never have had to deal with this constant monitoring. That's simply just not my reality. Don't worry those of you that think those people are lucky-they have their issues-and they're just as disgusting as yours-and these people are looking at you thinking

you've got it all together- and its my sincerest wish that I hope you do.

the key to friendship...

Many of my friendships have been encouraged over the course of many meals together, bread broken and drinks sipped so it seems that this is an appropriate topic to delve into. Friendship being the persistent feature in the headline of my mind. I can't seem to get the words of a very close friend of mine out of my head. To me they are profound and offered up insight into a topic that everyone is subject to.

My dear friend was sharing with me that she had just encountered an interesting situation with a couple of people that were putting some wrenches into their relationship and undermining the integrity of their friendship. Essentially they were being caddy and petty. My dear friend

in her infinite wisdom blew them away with her blatant and no frills honesty- and said "I don't need this".."I have great friends- and I don't have to work for it." I left with these words and concepts penetrating my heart and mind. I started doing a mental check on all of my friendships and relationships that I consider the "gold standard" and realized a common thread- the relationships are easy. They take no effort to give to- and the bounty received is equal. Its a constant ebb and flow of sharing, encouragement and uplifting. They are a safe haven where you are taken just as you are. There is time spent to cultivate these friendships but the true test is that it is effortless- you don't even think about what you're doing because its so natural. The benefit to this quality of friendship is that it is stress free. They just work.

If you have any relationships that you feel are a bit dysfunctional in your life maybe start eliminating them or giving less effort to the relationships that require so much of you. From personal experience I can attest you will be fuller and able to give even more. The results and experiences are endless- and these are the friendships of a lifetime.

something's on the brain

My mind is under a heavy influence of spring fever. For Pacific Northwesterners this year in particular the rain has taken its toll- and it continues to persist- the weather only bleeping from the rainy dogma with a sunny respite here and again, giving us nothing to bank on. Yet wait! There is a sign that spring and yes maybe I can say summer- is on the horizon! My body has been craving the foods of spring, things like lemons, asparagus, eggs, and.......rhubarb! Which on an aside and slight detour- listen to these cravings they are a primal instinct that our bodies were blessed with. Its the way that our body awakens us to each season-listen!Yes folks- rhubarb is growing in a sunny spot near you! I have been on a rampage of rhubarb concocted everything. Nothing tastes more like spring than this weird weed looking thing. This tart and sassy fruit will give you a kick in your mouth and awaken your body to recognize that sunnier days are ahead- and lets face it-thats a promise we can all be thankful regardless of circumstance or position. Im not particularly qualified to give out medical advice- but I have served a heavy dose of remedies through philosophy pertaining to food. All the same you can take it on authority from the resident CG that a few doses of this delightful and primitive stalk from the earth will change and lighten your perspective.

**CG suggestions for rhubarb: compote, muffins, pie, tart, crepes, pair compote with roast chicken/turkey or pork tenderloin, the possibilities are endless!!!

**AND A NEW USE JUST DISCOVERED (as seen in picture): toast with chunky peanut butter, honey and rhubarb compote....beyond delicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am over the moon about this epicurean manifestation!

place , place- whats in a place

Over the course of this past year I was on an exploratory mission commissioned by myself- to determine my calling. The mission was daunting but was expressly understood that once
accomplished would furnish the most compelling results. I ventured out into the wilderness of no schedule, no 8-5, nothing but the expanse of life and the world in front of me.I had no map, and the arrow in my compass seemed to be spinning round andround. So I walked in circles- I looked under rocks and marked trees with a bit of flagging taken from my fabric. I meandered down promising paths and took in the gorgeousness that a new view afforded. As soon as the newness faded, I would pursue another trail and be mesmerized and in awe once again. When dark came- it enveloped me in dis pair- leaving me questioning if the sun really would come up to furnish me with light and provide the clarity I needed to make the trek. Then as it always does- it rose with brightness that yielded a surge of energy to keep me moving. The terrain at times was steep and it hurt to climb. Sometimes it was rocky and I would fall and I questioned my strength to get up. Then I would pull in deep- and climb my way out. The questioning of myself did not subside and persisted with every step that yielded no blatant results. In an effort to uphold my commission I kept moving. I had a good time along this journey- offering up my own comic relief. I would roll on the ground in a laughing hysteria at the image of me tromping through the muck and tumbling down hills-dirtying my designer gear. Then as profound as the simplest of things are- I realized that my worn path was circling around the same place. In the circle was a clearing. I decided to veer from the path I had treaded and walked inside to see more of what the clearing offered. As I walked farther in I got a supreme case of deja-vu. One step closer and waves of calm and peace cascaded over me like a waterfall. This place that I stumbled upon -was home.

The journey I took was of value. Had I not wandered along the outside- I could not have seen the clearing. For me- the source of my quest was what begged me to heed. Home is the launch point- my springboard. I found that by splitting myself in two and exposing my heart was where I found peace and understanding of what and where I needed to be. For me it was the exposure of looking inward rather than out. Start with you- it is the place.

"a"-game

I am a genuine enthusiast for excess- being a proper American and all. Balance has always been a hard objective for me to achieve. I know I'm not alone here. My behavior is compulsive, its obsessive and at times borderline neurotic. So goes my love and relationship with food and body. I would be lying if I said I have mastered that delicate relationship. I have skeletons hanging in my closet that expose themselves from time to time.

Some people are born with a clearer understanding of how to navigate balance. I am always a little envious of those people. I have a dear friend that I am constantly in awe of her gentle glide through life- approaching everything with modesty and grace. However, long ago I realized this works for her- it doesn't work for me. My philosophy of life and petal to the metal attitude- has created who I am. So now I have an appreciation for the people that I will never be- and rightfully so.

I try to find balance in what works for me. Its taken a while to get to that point. Recently I have been a bit excessive in consumption-and I haven't burned as much off as normal- and now I'm feeling the effects. In an effort to get back to where I feel my best- I'm taking bit of a break from my indulgent self- and pairing back..doing a little detox to jump start the bod. This consists of a detox tea- (Republic of Tea- "Get Clean" is awesome), Odwalla Superfood, and homemade smoothies, and a lot of water, through the day and a normal meal in the evening (oh and I never leave coffee out!) Coupled with some good intense workouts. This is one of the ways I get back to my center.

I was jogging this afternoon with a friend and he was mentioning that he always knows how to reach down and get to his "A-game". His reference was in regard to his physical ability for training and competing. The comment got me thinking about my current efforts in getting back to my a-game. I encourage that if you don't know where you feel the best body and mind- start listening to what your body is convincing you of. Once you know how you feel optimally you will always know how to get back there, maintaining that balance all the more. The swinging back and forth will lessen and becomes much more manageable. We only get to go a 'round once on this gorgeous earth- so live vibrantly, live beautifully, live strongly. Be the master of you.

I highly encourage anyone regardless of the title to read "French Women Don't Get Fat" by Mireille Guiliano if you haven't already. The philosophy in it is so amazing. This book literally changed my whole perspective on food and body.

Regardless of how you feel- NEVER EVER- self deprecate. A barrage of insults of yourself are far more unattractive than the way you look. Confidence is your most gorgeous attribute. Evaluate and change. Move toward your goal- and love yourself every step of the way.

an appetite.....what a horrible thing to waste

A ravenous appetite is I do dare say one of the sexiest qualities a person may have. It concludes a far lot about a person than just the rumble in ones belly. A healthy appetite is a characteristic of a person that is determined to charge the world and make a mark. An appetite proves a general insatiable wonder for the world. Confidence abounds in the person not faint of appetite- being comfortable with ones self to ask for seconds- and get lost in the enjoyment a lovely meal can provide- and revels in the opportunity to edge slightly into glutinous satisfaction.

Indulgence is a beautiful thing. Life is too short to only celebrate now and again.

Eat like you mean it!

open...

My discovery is not a new find for locals in the Emerald City, but for me it is revolutionary. I have stumbled across the best Thai food ever- no no not the best Thai food in Seattle- but again- EVER. Thai Tom is a beacon on University Ave- in the center of an overabundance of food court quality storefronts fanning every side of the street accommodating the budgets of the predominant demographic of young 20-somethings. Thai Tom is different from the start. The warm glow of the neon lit open sign and the constant hover of patrons awaiting their turn for a seat billowing out the door, are its most recognizable street side features. Once inside you will be ushered to sit in the shoebox of a dining area by the friendly and industrious staff. The seating arrangements are one wall of stacked tables on the south wall followed by what I consider the box seats of the venue at the bar- providing excellent entertainment. The staff keeps this amazing cadence that I have yet to ever bear witness. Every person has a distinct role in maintaining the efficiency of the operation. Amazingly no one that works at Thai Tom manages to cross the lines of responsibility- keeping the order in tact. At the helm a gorgeous display of rhythm is conducted by the cook- who is on display for all to observe. Every space of the grill is maximized- a shallow wok pan on every burner. As soon as a pan is used it is immediately retrieved by the right-hand attendant- and soon replaced by a clean pan to be filled with vegetables and sauces- that are created right before your eyes. In addition to the smells wafting through the air are the tunes pumping through the air- with familiar tunes from classic rock heroes being the like of Eric Clapton, the Eagles and Mr. Bob Marley. Just as reticent as any other position is the person in charge of maintaining the quality of music quietly acting as DJ for the audience present. In addition to their post at Thai Tom, several of the guys that keep the eatery running smoothly are also in a band adequately named Thai Sons. The repertoire of the band heralds their favorite musicians covering the likes of Clapton and other rock legends. Due to the incredulously small space, Thai Tom can not accommodate performances so the band regularly performs the first Monday at the month at Scarlett Tree off of 65^th and Roosevelt.

The most indicative trait of an establishment worthy of esteem is the quality of the person in charge. George-proprietor of Thai Tom (and drummer of Thai Sons)- in suit with other musicians I only know him by a singular name- is the epitome of an exceptional host. The appreciation for his customers is explicitly genuine and masterfully expressed. Slight in stature and frame are paradox to the largeness of his heart and exuding passion. All of the dishes listed on the fancifully rustic wooden menus are the creation of George himself. As a native of Thailand- he has brought us the flavors of his homeland with the style of a true artist and the graciousness of a Southern gentleman. You can not go wrong with anything here. Any selection will wow and have you craving more. In just one weeks time I have sat at George’s bar thrice times- and still it is not enough. If it weren’t for other obligations and my deep seeded satisfaction with cooking myself I would be dining with George and his enclave every night. This destination is more than open its happening.