reckoning ourselves

How do we get to a place where we are truly happy with ourselves physically? One step further into this actually begs the question how do we become truly happy.. because I believe that ones physicality has huge impact on how one conducts and carries themselves. I have visited this a couple of times in my writings of exploratory topics-but its one that is as persistent as our quest for food. Its the one that stares directly into the eyes of my obsession with food-and I know that I am not alone in this.

Is this the time to expose my demons- do they have any value to others? I'm not sure- but I'm going to provide an exorcism in any event- you be the judge of its worth. Oh yep-I was another one of those dime a dozen anorexic girls. You've heard the story a million times....I never starved myself entirely- but I had the most rigid of diets- consisting mostly of coffee, apples and bagels. I exercised hard to counteract that whopping 20 grams of fat I'd intake in a day, leaving my body with only the basics of subsistence. My sister God bless her- would watch me as I literally broke down into crying fits at the agony of being presented with a meal out of my "controlled diet" regime. It was sheer torture-the thought of breaking into that controlled situation I had created would take me to the floor writhing. In those times the fear was so strong on my face-I would imagine watching it unfold would be like watching a person that is certifiably schizophrenic start to carry on a conversation with one of their personalities. In those moments the other person watching feels like they are observing a train wreck that they have no idea how to switch the rails on. For some people these issues are brought to surface by the influence of some other event or issue. For me it was just that I really liked how I looked when I was that thin- there were no other issues, aside from the usual American bout of obesity somewhere in your lineage freaking you out that you may become that someday. Once I got into that very extreme reality I had made completely on my own-I did not want to break it. The mere thought of it had me so uncanny-I really should have been in a mental facility. The control of it is mind altering. Some of us are more prone to obsessive and compulsive behavior then others- its in my makeup. Just like some people have other mental hang-ups.

So the issue here is how as adults when we know better-how do we reckon with ourselves? Now one huge caveat- I do not hold the answers not even close, nor am I really probably the best person to even speak to the issue- because I wrestle with this everyday. But that's exactly the point. Food issues are body issues. If you have these hangups they are with you FOREVER. There is no such thing as careless eating. Every item you consume is filed in a catalogue ready

for you to analyze and scrutinize later- and maybe even hold against yourself. So the key I believe is getting to a point where we can see food as nourishment, fuel, and something to

enjoy with revelry. Just like gun handlers have the deepest respect for their arms, we must also respect food in the same way. It is gorgeous, it is to be enjoyed, and it can not be denied what the scary reality is on the other side of the barrel. Its the avoidance of its power that causes the greatest harm. Get familiar with food- love it. Love yourself. Take care of you-don't deny yourself anything. When we see food as the enemy- we think we have to limit our exposure to it- which in turn only creates a hatred for the thing that in essence is supposed to provide nourishment at the most basic of levels. And then there starts the pendulum of ups and downs-love, hate, love, hate. When this respect is in tact- the ups and downs start to ebb away. Your mind starts to realize that nothing is off limits-and therefore the need to over compensate when posed with something normally considered taboo becomes less.

Some people I do believe never have had to deal with this constant monitoring. That's simply just not my reality. Don't worry those of you that think those people are lucky-they have their issues-and they're just as disgusting as yours-and these people are looking at you thinking

you've got it all together- and its my sincerest wish that I hope you do.